with apologies to Maruyama Kugane
Albedo looked anxiously at Demiurge and said, “What if Ainz-sama disappears?”
Demiurge responded, “Yes… We simply MUST have an heir to pledge our loyalty to should that unfortunate eventuality ever occur. But our Lord has thus far resisted the efforts of both you and Shalltear to share his bed. How shall we correct this matter?”
“Shalltear!? That SLUT!!? I would NEVER abide her presence in my beloved Ainz-sama’s bed!!!”
“Even if our Lord wished it of her?” asked Demiurge.
Albedo paused, slightly taken aback and proclaimed, “Well… Of course I would never deign to interfere with any desire of my dearly loved Master… But I cannot imagine him having any desire for that ugly PETTANKO bitch in the first place!”
“Then we are agreed” said Demiurge. “We must plan on Ainz-sama having an heir.”
“Hmm… A tricky proposition…” said Cocytus. “And since our Master is an undead Lich, just how are we going to get him to impregnate someone with an heir? His skeletal body is not exactly equipped for the… umm… ‘intimate activities’ necessary to complete such a task.”
“What do you mean?” protested Albedo. “Ainz-sama could definitely satisfy me should he ever wish to!” And with that, Albedo stormed off in irritation.
Cocytus leaned in close to Demiurge and whispered, “Is she not aware of our skeletal lord’s need for a different kind of ‘boner’ to be able to impregnate her with an heir?”
Demiurge replied, “For someone so intelligent as her, I myself am constantly surprised at her naivety. You would think that a succubus like Albedo would know all about sex, but since she has been keeping herself solely for Lord Ainz, she apparently knows absolutely nothing about such things! We shall have to diplomatically educate her on the necessary procedures for impregnation.”
Cocytus shivered and replied, “I am NOT going to have THAT discussion with her! Why don’t YOU teach her.”
Demiurge rubbed his forehead and with a pained expression on his face said, “You’re right. We must have one of the women here at Nazarick educate Lady Albedo on this matter. But WHO…!?”
“Shalltear is probably the most experienced and knowledgeable about this delicate matter” declared Cocytus. “But as Albedo’s rival for Lord Ainz’ love, she is just as liable to fill Albedo’s head with all sorts of useless nonsense that might only lead to our Lord becoming highly pissed off and even more resistant to the idea of producing an heir!”
“Then what about one of the Pleiades Battle Maids?” asked Demiurge.
“Hmm… That sounds like a good idea. How about getting Yuri to do it? After all, she is the leader of the Battle Maids.”
Demiurge shook his head. “No… She is too motherly and would only teach Lady Albedo the basics. We should get one of the others to explain things to Albedo… preferably one with a more sluttish personality so that our Lord Ainz will be happily satisfied by the experience.” He scratched his chin and said, “What about Entoma? She is very lustful. Surely she has the knowledge and experience to be a good Sex Ed teacher.”
Cocytus took a step back in shock and declared, “Oh, not just no, but HELL, NO!!! She is an arachnid and ALWAYS kills and eats her lovers! I was invited into her chambers one day and saw the skulls of over 700 of her former lovers lined up on shelves! I turned around and quickly left as she was looking at ME with seductive eyes and I had no desire to join the others as a souvenir displayed on her damn wall!!”
“Well, then,” Demiurge pressed on, “What about Solution Epsilon? She is well known for her sluttyness.”
“ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!” proclaimed Cocytus. “Master Sebas once told me that he saw her having sex with a man once while they were on assignment in E-Rangel and right after the unfortunate soul entered her with his fully erect manhood, it was dissolved and absorbed by Solution, leaving the poor fellow emasculated and bleeding to death!” The insectoid warrior shuddered with sympathy pains at the thought. “And before you suggest it, forget about CZ2128! She is a mere automaton and has no interest in sexual matters. Likewise, don’t even consider Lady Narberal either. She is too damn formal and stuck-up to be a good teacher.”
“Hmm…” thought Demiurge. “It seems that none of the Battle Maids will be an appropriate instructor of intimacy for Lady Albedo. And Aura is too childlike in her attitude to be of any use in this.” His tail twitched in frustration as he went on, “Neuronist Painkill has also shown a desire to be a lover to Lord Ainz, but I fear that her skills lie more in torture and pain than in pleasure. So where does that leave us? We simply MUST have someone to teach Lady Albedo the finer points of sexual techniques.”
Cocytus’ insectoid antennae started waving around nervously as he said, “Well, there is always that human woman that Master Sebas has been keeping… I think her name is Tsundere or something like that…”
“No, it’s Tsuare” said Demiurge. “And isn’t she a virgin? What makes you think that she can give Albedo any good information?”
“Have you not noticed her recently acquired sense of self-confidence? She may have been getting trained as a future Battle Maid by Yuri-san, but you know how that nosy bastard, Victim, keeps track of all of Nazarick’s goings on, and I have it on his authority as our most accomplished snoop that Sebas has been giving that human woman some rather extensive ‘Private Lessons’. Victim even told me that he saw Master Sebas coming out of Tsuare’s chambers recently with a HUGE smile on his face while walking on unsteady, weak knees!”
“Perfect,” said Demiurge with a wide smile. “We will get Tsuare to teach Lady Albedo all about proper sexual technique!” Demiurge frowned once more and continued, “But what about our Lord Ainz? What do we do about his, umm, er… well, his LACK of the proper BONE to supply us with an heir?”
Pretending to clean one of his antennae with a clawed arm, Cocytus answered in a conspiratorial voice, “We will obviously have to use some sort of magic to temporarily give our Lord the, er… ‘Hardware’ to perform the act of impregnating Lady Albedo, if you know what I mean…”
Demiurge shook his head in confusion. “I know of no such magic that can accomplish this. Do you know of any?”
“No, I don’t” said Cocytus. “But there are countless forgotten magic items in Nazarick’s treasure vault. Surely there is something there that will work.”
Demiurge replied, “Then let us consult Pandora’s Actor. He knows about EVERY item in the vault. If there is anything there that will help us, he will know!”
“Jawohl, meine Herren!” proclaimed Pandora’s Actor as he clicked his heels together and saluted the two Guardians in front of him. “I know exactly what you need!”
The Treasury Guardian reached into a pocket and pulled out a ring. “This item was made by the Supreme Being, Lord Peroroncino, and given to me for safe-keeping. He told me to only release it as a last resort to ensure the continuation of Nazarick should the need arise.”
“What does it do and how does it work?” asked Demiurge with a hint of curiosity in his voice. Cocytus nodded his head, also wanting to know.
“Well, Lord Peroroncino told me that it would allow Lord Ainz to temporarily enjoy the close company of a woman by altering his body for about eight to twelve hours, after which the ring would disappear and he would return to his normal skeletal self.” Pandora’s Actor smiled and continued, “Lord Ainz will be able to father a child during this time. In fact, Lord Peroroncino told me that Lord Ainz would not be able to stop himself from producing an heir! For some reason, Lord Peroroncino seemed to derive a great deal of amusement from this idea.”
“Fantastic!” declared Demiurge. “We shall definitely have an heir to pledge our loyalty to should we ever lose Lord Ainz!”
“But…” said Cocytus, “Since Lord Ainz is so resistant to the idea, how do we get him to use this ring and produce an heir for us?”
“Simple,” replied Demiurge. “We merely give the ring to Lady Albedo and have her clean Lord Ainz’ other rings and switch one of them out for this one. He will then make an heir for us!”
“But won’t our Lord become angry with us for this subterfuge?” said Cocytus nervously.
“Nein, meine Herren,” interjected the Treasury Guardian. “Lord Peroroncino said that there were some VERY MINOR side effects of using the ring, one of which was that once it was used and disappeared, Lord Ainz would lose all memory of what happened. Thus, he will not have a reason to be angry! This also seemed to increase the amusement of Lord Peroroncino, for some unknown reason. In fact, he called this the ‘Perfect April Fools Day’ joke, whatever that means.”
“Very well, then we will use this to produce a proper heir for the glory of the Great Tomb of Nazarick! Come, Cocytus, we must put this plan into action!” And with that, they made their way out of the Treasury Vault with newfound determination for their goal.
Afterwards, alone in the vault, Pandora’s Actor thought to himself, “How strange that they did not ask about the other side effects of that ring… Well… even Lord Peroroncino said that it wouldn’t matter. Although he was chuckling to himself when he said that to me.”
One month later…
“Lady Albedo took to that Sex Education with more enthusiasm than I would have imagined,” said Demiurge happily to Cocytus. “This plan to produce an heir will WORK!!”
Cocytus looked at Demiurge and swallowed nervously in embarrassment. “However, even I had to stop Victim’s progress report on his snooping, er… I mean, his OBSERVATIONS, when he started to go into detail about some of those ‘Toys’ that Lady Tsundere, er… I mean, Lady Tsuare, was using to demonstrate certain techniques to Lady Albedo!” Cocytus trembled in embarrassment at the remembrance of THAT report.
“Well,” said Demiurge, “The feast tonight to celebrate the latest success of Lord Ainz’ plans for this world will be the perfect time to have Lady Albedo switch the rings, take Lord Ainz to his chambers, and PRODUCE that heir for the Great Tomb of Nazarick! I have arranged all the details!”
“A toast to our great leader, Lord Ainz Ooal Gown!” proclaimed Demiurge with pride in his voice. “Raise your goblets!”
And as everyone stood up to honor Lord Ainz’ latest success, Shalltear, who was carefully placed between Lord Ainz and Lady Albedo according to Demiurge’s plans, was bumped by Albedo and spilled her goblet of blood all over Lord Ainz!
“You BITCH! You did that on purpose to embarrass me in front of our Lord!” screamed Shalltear in anger. “I’ll kill you!” And with that, she flew at Albedo with bloodlust oozing from every pore on her body.
“Liar!” retorted Albedo. “You are just a clumsy, ugly, flat-chested stupid little girl who should have been seated at another table!” And Albedo stretched out her claw-like fingernails towards Shalltear’s eyes.
“ENOUGH OF THIS FIGHTING!!” proclaimed Lord Ainz as he gestured for Cocytus to separate the two furious women from each other. “We are here tonight to celebrate our latest victory, not to kill each other!”
Cocytus hauled Shalltear off to the other end of the table while Demiurge stated, “That was indeed careless of you, Lady Albedo. How will you make this up to our Lord and Master?”
“Please forgive me, my Lord!” begged Albedo as she picked up a pitcher of water from the table and used a cloth to start dabbing and wiping the spilled blood from Shalltear’s goblet off of Lord Ainz. “Let me wash your hands and rings off,” she said, deftly pulling the rings off of his bony hands and casually switching one of them while rinsing them off in the pitcher before slipping them back on to his fingers.
As the exchanged ring was slipped onto Ainz’ finger, sudden blackness came over the entire banquet hall.
A split second later, the light returned and Ainz said to Albedo, “Where is my ring? I thought you were putting it onto my finger.”
“My apologies, Ainz-sama! I must have dropped it back into the water. Ah, yes. Here it is.” And she retrieved his original ring from the pitcher of water and placed it back upon his finger.
Lord Ainz suddenly sighed…
“Well, my loyal Guardians, Battle Maids, and the rest of my subjects here, I suddenly feel the need for some fresh air.” And with that, Lord Ainz left the hall to step outside the Great Tomb.
After Ainz’ departure, Cocytus and Albedo confronted Demiurge and said, “What happened? That ring must have failed and simply disappeared!”
Up on the surface, Lord Ainz thought to himself, “Why am I suddenly so tired? I feel totally drained! It must be the stress of seeing those two girls fight with each other. I wish that they would get along better. Hmm… The sun is rising. I could have sworn that we started that feast at sunset. Oh, well…”
Nine months later…
Lord Ainz looked at Demiurge in disbelief. “What do you mean, ALL of the women at Nazarick have just given birth to children at the SAME TIME!? And ALL of these infants are Liches that look like ME!!??”
Somewhere, in an alternate universe, Lord Peroroncino was laughing his ass off.